


Eye of the Beholder

by romanticalgirl



Category: Brothers & Sisters
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-04-21
Packaged: 2017-12-09 03:38:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/769533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't worry about what shows from without/But the love that lives within</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eye of the Beholder

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://smallfandomfest.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://smallfandomfest.livejournal.com/)**smallfandomfest**. Spoilers through season two
> 
> Originally posted 5-29-08

“It’s really beautiful.”

Kevin glances away from the archway of flowers and ivy toward the doorway, offering his uncle a smile. “Mom outdid herself.”

“Yeah, she did.” Saul looks around and shakes his head. “But that’s not what I meant.” He walks into the room and his gaze makes it seem to Kevin as if Saul’s seeing everything for the first time. Kevin follows his eyes, wondering what exactly it is that Saul sees. Something beyond the flowers and lights, the redone room that’s been host to countless moments in Walker family history – from Sarah being caught _en flagrante delicto_ with her first boyfriend, to Kitty and Nora going to war on the first Desert Storm, to Tommy’s wrestling match with their dad that ended in three broken bones and a month-long grounding, to Justin’s first OD, to the fight Kevin had with his father when he came out. This room is the Walker family falling apart and falling together in a mess of honor and loyalty and pain. “It really is beautiful, Kevin. What you’re doing.”

“It’s not even legal, Saul.” Kevin says the words quietly, because they’re not really what he feels, even though he can’t shut off the part of his brain that knows it’s the truth.

“Legal isn’t what matters, Kevin. What matters is that you mean the words that you’re saying.” Saul touches one of the blooms on the archway and then brings his fingers to his nose. “You’re so brave. How are you so brave?”

“I’m not brave.” Kevin stops for a moment, unable to get any words past the lump in his throat. He clears his throat and swallows, his voice rough. “I’m scared to death, Uncle Saul.”

“Yeah?” Saul looks at him, and Kevin gets the feeling that Saul sees things in him, certain things that Saul is the only one ever to see. William only ever saw Kevin’s weaknesses and Nora sees everything but, but Kevin’s always felt that Saul is the only one to see that Kevin is both weakness and strength, just a man – imperfect and fallible. “It doesn’t show.”

“A skill learned from years of appearing in court.” He manages a smile and shakes his head, swallowing hard again. “I never thought I’d have this. Any of it. Someone to share my life with, someone who wanted to share their life with me. The guts to do it.”

“I’ve always known you had the guts, Kevin.”

“Never thought I’d deserve it.” Kevin closes his eyes for a moment and exhales. “But Kitty and Tommy and Sarah? They felt that too. They assure me it’s a human thing, not a gay thing.”

“It’s worse. Being gay.” Saul is frowning when Kevin opens his eyes to look at him. “The doubt.”

“No. I don’t think so. Maybe it feels worse because it’s just one more thing? Or maybe the world wants us to _think_ that it’s worse? But it’s not. Being gay isn’t what makes us miserable, Uncle Saul. We make ourselves miserable.” Kevin sighs and looks over at the bookcase, the family pictures on the shelves, some of the pictures truths and other ones lies. “You know, coming out wasn’t something I did, Uncle Saul. It was something Kitty did for me.” He moves over to one of the chairs and sits on the arm of it, his elbow propped on the back. “I wasn’t brave then. I was scared. Too scared to deny it. When Kitty said it, and the silence just fell, I couldn’t think of the words to say. I couldn’t think of how to say it was just an experiment, just a phase. It was like someone had put a Bible in my hand and sworn me in. No thought happened. I just…”

“You were honest, Kevin. Something I haven’t been in a long time. Not just with everyone else, but with myself. When I was younger, I knew what I wanted and I took it to some extent. I lived my life and didn’t care who knew it. And then…and then I realized that I couldn’t live that life. Not really. Not in front of the people I knew and loved and the people I wanted to respect me. I couldn’t be me, so I pretended to be someone else, Kevin. Someone…someone who was almost Saul, but not quite.”

“I don’t think that’s entirely true. I think you were always Saul to us.” Kevin’s brow furrows as he searches for the words. “One thing I can say about this family, Saul, is that who you love doesn’t change how they love you. Do I wish that you’d done it differently? Yes. I wish you’d have been honest with yourself and with all of us, but not for the reasons you think. Well, not solely for them.” He laughs softly at Saul’s smile. “I never claimed not to be selfish, Saul.”

“And no one ever accused you of it.” Saul laughs as well, moving over to stand beside Kevin, his hand on Kevin’s back just at the edge of his shoulder blade, warm through his suit. “I wanted so much to tell you, to be there for you, Kevin. I wanted to be someone you could have looked at and said ‘I’m proud to be his nephew’.”

“Saul.” Kevin swallows once more, his voice thick with emotion. “I’ve always said that.”

“Maybe I just wanted to deserve it.”

“You deserve a life, Saul. More than anything, _that’s_ what you deserve. You deserve to be able to be the man you are, the man you want to be, not the man you think you have to be for us, or for Ojai, or for the world. You don’t have to be anyone for anyone but yourself. The rest of the world falls in line. Or it doesn’t.” Kevin sighs and looks over at the arch of flowers. “Be you, Saul. Because this? You deserve this too. Maybe more than any of us.”

“No, Kevin. As much maybe, but not more.” Saul leans down and places a soft kiss on the top of Kevin’s head. “Be happy.”

Kevin reaches for Saul’s hand and squeezes it tightly, nodding and blinking back tears for the second time that day, probably not for the last. “I will, Saul. I promise.”

“So do I, Kevin.” Saul kisses his head again and stays there so Kevin can feel the curve of his smile, the weight of his promise. “So do I.”  



End file.
